I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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