i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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