Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
