Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize