i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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