my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
