I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
