took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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