Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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