she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
