I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
