she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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