I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize