I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
