I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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