you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
