Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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