I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
