I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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