Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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