I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so let's talk penis.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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