I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
