when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
