I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
