the new term for farting is butt boxing.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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