bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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