Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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