I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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