We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
