Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
