I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
