Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
