I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
