Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
