I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
