Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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