My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
