im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Randomize
