I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize