I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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