Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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