I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It was confusing and full of hummus
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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