I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
