Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
