can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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