my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
