is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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