I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
