If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
