Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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