I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
You can't motorboat a personality
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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