did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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