i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
