I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
