3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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