Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
