saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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