I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize