and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
my liver is dry heaving
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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