Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
