call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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